Perfect Bitch

There is the Perfect Bitch. She does exist, perhaps just in my mind, but I still hope while I wade through the seas of Non-Perfect Bitches. Living on this planet for a few years, it's quite easy to understand the Stupid Bitch Creed. I've learned a few things.
         Immediately, when categorized, the Stupid Bitch may object (which is really irrelevent since no Bitch should ever read the Stupid Bitch Creed and should she, no Man should ever care to listen to her) and you may object too, you might say that your Bitch isn't just one type. Well, no shit. You'll never find a Bitch that is just one type, they change day-to-day if you're lucky and hour-to-hour if you're like the rest of us. So, let's toss off a few types of Bitches:

Sleeping Bitch

Get drunk enough and the first time you meet her she might be the Sleeping Bitch. Or maybe you've had to work hard to get to that point, or maybe she's just your friend and you don't fool around, yeah right. Anyway, the Sleeping Bitch is the starting point. It might be as good as it gets right here so try to enjoy yourself. But be warned, the Sleeping Bitch can become any other kind of Bitch at any moment. Maybe you are playing with her and she'll wake up as the Horny Bitch but maybe she's having a bad dream and she wakes as the Psycho Bitch. But the Sleeping Bitch herself can be something to fear, I had one that would throw elbows to my face while she slept.

Creeping Bitch

Look out. This is the Bitch with an agenda. She's got a plan and either you work with, get worked into it, or get worked over by it. If you want a Creeping Bitch in your life then you are done. Stop reading. Stop capitolizing the word man and just close the book.
         Okay, now Real Men know they don't want a Creeping Bitch but they can still be some fun, so here's my best recommendations on Creeping Bitches. Let them do their thing and don't let them work you over or in. Use them for what they are useful for and don't give. Always be on your guard, don't get too drunk if when you're drunk you can't hang in an argument. There is no avoiding arguments with Creeping Bitches, unless she's a really skilled Creeper, you might not even know she's one, so first and last: look out.

Drunk Bitch

Oh, the stories, the memories, the lack of memories. It's great. One of all of our favorites, the Drunk Bitch, and what's best about her is that you can transform any Bitch into the Drunk Bitch with the most simple added ingredients. So you've got yourself a Drunk Bitch. First off, does she drink more than you? If so then again: look out. If not, then procede without worry.
         The biggest problem with Drunk Bitches can also be your biggest relief sometimes. Nothing is constant with Bitches, alway remember that, what a Bitch says one time is next to meaningless another time. But for the most part, the best aspect of a Drunk Bitch is she's only a couple steps away from the Sleeping Bitch, and if you're lucky she'll pass through her Horny Bitch phase along the way (what a sadly temporary phase that usually is). Sometimes she skips that part or gets into it a little and then skips past the rest, sorry guys, but we do it to ourselves. I've got 'em too drunk too, I know it sucks. You got to check your morals and I'm just too good to do anything that bad…so what's next?
         Well after three types I think we deserve a rest. Yeah right, after a week's worth of work you think you deserve a little rest too but no. There's either something to be done on the weekened or you simply torture yourself with drink and drugs till Monday rolls around and you're just as beat. Or maybe you're a goody-goody, good for you. Well what I'm saying is the rest is over. What I need to tell you now is that Bitches aren't going to just switch from one type to another, they're going to be multiple types at the same time.
         There is some respite. If she's sleeping then you know she's not creeping. Drunk Bitches will creep but they're not on their game as well. But then Drunk Creeping Bitches, whew, look out, they are like baby snakes—they use all their venom at once. A Drunk Creeping Bitch will unleash all her fury at once. So it's like Land of the Lost, you know, one crystal does one thing but combine that with another and you're in for something totally different! In general: be careful.

Psycho Bitch

Wow. Let's just get right into it, huh? This is the one that will creep on you and you might not even know it. What's worse, is she might not know it either. This is like the secret agent of Bitches. Everything could be going perfectly, you could think she is the Perfect Bitch, but then she elbows you in her sleep or she fucks your sister and boom, classify her as Psycho Bitch.
         What's worse is every Bitch is about a half-step from becoming this Bitch. You have to feed a Bitch mad drinks to turn her into Drunk Bitch but Psycho Bitch can occur like a cloudy day. Smile too wide and Psycho Bitch will find her way into your life. She's not even creeping, she can be drunk or not. You might find out she's a Psycho Bitch while she's a Sleeping Bitch and that's the best time since you can leave without trouble—which is my recommendation or if you want to be a Stupid Man then simply store the information without her knowing you've got it. Keep dealing with the Psycho Bitch, you are on your own. Write your own book.

Fat Bitch

Classic joke: What do Fat Bitches and mopeds have in common? They are both fun to ride but you don't want anyone to see you on them.
         Of course it should be noted that Fat Bitches are usually nice because they have to be, often it is in proportion to their fatness. However this can also work the other way, and she could be a Psycho Creeping Drunk Bitch beyond measure, mentally and physically.

Talking Bitch

Hell, they're all Talking Bitches, right?

Mute Bitch

She's out there…I think she either is or is hanging out with the Perfect Bitch.

Boss Bitch

The Boss Bitch isn't any specific bitch but you're sad to say she's your boss.

Bitches with Kids and Bitches with Luggage

They all have luggage but some more than others. If she's got kids she's got luggage. Notice how it's after the "Bitch" that's because it's a suffix. Remember your English, prefixes and suffixes. You can have a Drunk Bitch with Kids, or a Creeping Bitch with Luggage.
         The rub lies in that you might think you've got this down, that we've got a good list here. But the problem always is that there's more kinds of Bitches than Man will ever know.

Other Random Advice

Silver for werewolves, stakes through the heart for vampires, and the word "cunt" for Stupid Bitches.